Ryan J. Reilly, NBC News:

Jurors showed no appetite for the Justice Department’s case against “sandwich guy,” the D.C. resident who chucked a Subway sandwich at the chest of a federal officer, finding him not guilty Thursday after several hours of deliberations.

My quip was wrapped and ready to toss: “I’d like to think this took several hours only because the jury ordered lunch. Hero sandwiches, of course.”

The jury — which feasted on sandwiches for lunch Thursday, according to a person familiar with jury lunches — deliberated the charges for several hours Wednesday and Thursday before delivering the verdict.

Damn. Satire is dead.

[Border Patrol Officer Greg] Lairmore had testified that the sandwich “exploded all over” his chest and claimed he could smell mustard and onions. But a photo showed that the sandwich was still in its wrapper on the ground after it hit Lairmore in his bulletproof vest.

I’m sure a perjury charge will be prosecuted with equal vigor.