From an allegedly Humane-authored press release that reads more like something HP cooked up at the last minute—even the headline, HP Accelerates AI Software Investments to Transform the Future of Work, couldn’t be bothered to mention “Humane”:

HP Inc. announced a definitive agreement to acquire key AI capabilities from Humane, including their AI-powered platform Cosmos, highly skilled technical talent, and intellectual property with more than 300 patents and patent applications. The acquisition advances HP’s transformation into a more experience-led company.

We’re really just buying the patents, and the rest of it was thrown in with the deal.

Also, WTF is an “experience-led company”?

“This investment will rapidly accelerate our ability to develop a new generation of devices that seamlessly orchestrate AI requests both locally and in the cloud,” said Tuan Tran, President of Technology and Innovation at HP.

The Humane device is not that next generation of devices. Nobody wanted it. Not even us.

“Humane’s AI platform Cosmos, backed by an incredible group of engineers, will help us create an intelligent ecosystem across all HP devices from AI PCs to smart printers and connected conference rooms. This will unlock new levels of functionality for our customers and deliver on the promises of AI.”

We want to continue our product enshittification, and Humane’s AI helps that.

The acquisition brings a highly skilled group of Humane engineers, architects, and product innovators to HP’s Technology and Innovation Organization. They will form HP IQ, HP’s new AI innovation lab focused on building an intelligent ecosystem across HP’s products and services for the future of work.

We’ll stick ’em in a corner and see if anything interesting or useful develops. If not, we’ll write ’em off for the tax deduction.

“We’re excited to join HP at such a pivotal moment in the industry and help shape the future of intelligent experiences,” said Bethany Bongiorno and Imran Chaudhri, Co-founders of Humane. “HP’s scale, global reach, and operational excellence—combined with our design-led approach, integration technology, and engineering expertise—will redefine workforce productivity.”

We smoked $241 million of our investors’ money, and, out of abject desperation, are joining the only company dumb enough to take us.

I’ll wager one can of Barq’s that we never hear about Humane or Cosmos again. Bongiorno and Chaudhri, on the other hand—they’re sure to turn up: nothing a venture capitalist loves more than a repeat founder, even one who returned less than $0.50 on the dollar.

(I wonder how much of the $116 million price tag these two will see?)

Meanwhile, current Humane customers are screwed:

We are writing to inform you that, effective immediately, we are winding down the consumer Ai Pin as our business priorities have shifted.

Our focus was selling ourselves to the highest bidder. There was just the one.

Your Ai Pin will continue to function normally until 12pm PST on February 28, 2025. After this date, it will no longer connect to Humane’s servers, and .Center access will be fully retired.

We’re leading with a statement that makes it sound like business-as-usual to hide the real truth: you bought a $700 brick. Suckers.

Your Ai Pin features will no longer include calling, messaging, Ai queries/responses, or cloud access.

Bricked.

We strongly encourage you to sync your Ai Pin over Wi-Fi and download any stored pictures, videos, and notes from .Center before February 28, 2025. If you do not do this, your data will be lost upon deletion on February 28, 2025 at 12pm PST.

So bricked.

On February 28, 2025 at 12pm PST all remaining consumer data will be permanently deleted.

So f-ing bricked.